A reflection for both the dying and those who love them. Protector parts, unfinished conversations and the quiet work of presence at the end of life.
It’s happened. That moment in life you have no control over – someone you love is dying.
In that moment, something very human happens. You’re in shock, and your protective parts rush in almost immediately: hope harder, research everything, avoid the truth and how difficult it is to accept what is really happening. None of this is wrong, and none of these parts are bad. But these parts of ourselves can be terrified. And a frightened nervous system is doing what it’s supposed to do when facing something unbearable – it protects itself.
Families process news about death and dying each in their own way, but if we’re not sharing and connecting, the process itself can pull you together, or pull you apart.
Following a loved one’s passing, some clients have named feelings like guilt, and others struggle to name it. What many can describe sounds like a hollow emptiness. They say things like,
“I thought we had more time.”
“I didn’t say it.”
“I kept pushing.”
“I avoided the conversation.”
The ache is not just grief, but the weight of a relationship feeling unfinished, incomplete.
Dying people are dying.
That sentence is not cruel. It is clarity.
After decades of working in hospice and palliative care, Dr. Ira Byock learned from his patients that the dying often regret leaving words unspoken and that too often people assume those we care deeply about know we love them.
In his book The Four Things That Matter Most, he offers something similar to the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer as everyday language, providing practical wisdom to help honour what matters, not only when nearing the end of life but also in everyday living:
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.
It’s notable that none of those are medical procedures. They are about how we relate – to ourselves, and to others.
They include the feelings of guilt, resentment, legacy, and love. They calm the protective parts by reducing unfinished business. They don’t fix death. But they often reduce regret. And that is enormous.
Research in palliative care consistently shows that emotional completion reduces complicated grief for the person dying and for the people with whom they have relationships with.
The more acts of completion, the greater the increase of peace at the end of life for everyone involved.
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Emotional Completion
In palliative care, emotional completion refers to the process of addressing, resolving, or coming to terms with outstanding emotional, relational, and spiritual issues at the end of life. It is a key component of a “good death,” allowing patients to achieve a sense of peace, closure, and dignity by finishing their “emotional work” before passing. (Leadgenix, 2026)
What brings comfort is rarely doing more, but being more present.
What should we keep in mind?
The person who is dying has protective parts too.
Maybe they have been the strong one.
The minimizer.
The joker.
The parent who is still parenting.
The spouse who is still stabilizing.
Even while their body is shutting down.
Sometimes, especially when families cannot cope, the dying person begins protecting everyone else.
They soften their fear.
They hide their decline.
They reassure instead of reveal.
They keep doing what everyone else wants. They may scan for opportunities to connect vulnerably, but feel hesitant because they observe others’ discomfort and avoidance. They observe their loved ones being distracted by television or their phones, organizing appointments or cleaning, and listening to the lack of permission to just be where they are when they hear, “you’ve got to try,” or “you need to push yourself.”
Let’s ask the uncomfortable question gently:
Could we find the courage to take the responsibility of care away from the dying so that they can process their own mortality authentically?
Can you say with meaning and acceptance, “do what you can”, “trust your body” “it’s okay to be afraid. I’m here with you” or “spend your energy on what makes you happy or brings you peace, you don’t have to protecting me.”
And if,
- They mention “decline” or “hard”, resist the natural urge to redirect or distract them.
- The word “hospice” comes up, take a breath, shed a tear, and stay present.
- “I’m tired…” or “I can’t…” feels like abandonment; remind yourself, they are not choosing to leave, it’s just time,
Ask yourself in the uncomfortable moments, “Who am I protecting?”.
There is a moment in the Netflix documentary End Game, where palliative physician Dr. Steven Pantilat says, “It’s healthy people who think about how they want to die, and sick people who think about how they want to live.”
I understood that to mean that most people sadly wait until they’re dying to “wish” they did more of something, or hadn’t spent so much time doing something else. Now, with this window, they want to live present and do what they can while they still can.
Making it less scary
Terminology may be frightening to many of us, but it’s important to know it has changed a lot, especially if you’re over 40. Memories of what palliative meant in the 80s and 90’s is different than today.
In most areas of health care, it is now called “supportive care.” It is about living as comfortably and well as possible for as long as possible. Whole person care, not just the disease.
“Hospice care” is typically introduced when life expectancy is approximately six months or less.
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Hospice Care
In Canada is a holistic, patient-centred approach that relieves suffering and improves the quality of life for those with life-limiting illnesses. It provides specialized care for physical, psychological, and spiritual needs, typically at home, in hospitals, or in residential hospices. Care focuses on comfort, symptom management, and supporting families, with services often including respite care and bereavement support. (Landry, 2024b).
With that clarity, if an honest conversation is avoided out of fear or discomfort about the subject, the dying person may once again take on the role of protector. So, the person who is transitioning continues to participate in the protective dialogue,
“I’ll keep fighting.”
“I’m okay.”
“Whatever you want.”
“Everything is fine. I don’t need anything.”
I’ve heard it from those transitioning, time and time again,
- “I don’t want to hurt them.”
- “I don’t want them to be afraid.”
- “I don’t want them to think I’m quitting.”
Such valuable time is lost. Such energy and effort in protecting everyone involved. It’s human not to want to face all the things that come with death.
It’s important to acknowledge our own inner process – we don’t want to push these painful truths away; they come from good intentions. But these can involuntarily block our connection if they are the things leading us. Once we acknowledge where we are emotionally, we can then get ourselves to the place of showing up with our compassion, our courage, and our deep desire for connection.
Figuring out whether this is something going on for you might mean ‘unblending‘ from your protector parts. It means noticing:
“My resistance is about my fear.”
“My fight is about my helplessness.”
“My denial is about not being ready.”
When we notice those things, we become free to experience more with our loved ones. Family members can play an important role in giving loved ones:
- Enough attention and space to discuss what living well now looks like to them,
- What they desire for ongoing care if they can no longer communicate, and
- Whether their loved one needs help writing letters, leaving videos, or passing on traditions.
Having these conversations, including subjects like dying at home or in hospice, intentionally can be one of the most compassionate, peaceful and respectful ways for our loved one to transition.
Not because death is desirable, but because dignity is.
And if you are the parent who is dying?
Say what needs to be said, whether in person or in notes, letters or the use of technology. You do not need to be the one to ‘protect’ your children – not from from your humanity.
They will carry your words long after your body is gone. They need this gift from you to move forward.
Tie up those loose ends while you still can. Apologies, forgiveness, presence, love.
Share it while you have easier breath. Not at the imagined “final moment.”
Now.
Your children do not need you to prevent their grief, it is already present. Now, they need your truth. Not perfection. Not strength without tears. Presence.
To the adult children, tell your parent(s):
“I am devastated, AND I can handle hearing you.”
“You don’t have to protect me.”
“I will grieve. And I will live.”
When that kind of steadiness enters the room, something softens. Sometimes the dying person relaxes, the conversations deepen, and there is even laughter. We don’t control death, but we can influence how it is met.
Following the passing of their loved one, individuals who carry less regret are almost always the ones who chose presence over protection. If you are in this experience right now, ask yourself gently: Are my protectors leading? Or is my presence?
If fear, grief, or protective parts are taking over and you want support so your loved one doesn’t have to carry that alongside their diagnosis, you don’t have to walk that path alone. I welcome you to reach out.
And if you are the one who has received a diagnosis and wants a place to process what this moment means for you, I welcome you to reach out.
No matter which side of this experience you find yourself on, you deserve support, honesty, and a space where the reality of what you are facing can be held with compassion.
Additional Resources
- Ontario Caregiver
- MyGrief.ca helps you to understand and move through your grief.
- Helping Children Cope With Grief
- Bereaved Families of Ontario – Halton/Peel
References
Leadgenix. (2026, March 5). Navigating the emotional stages of End-of-Life. Holistic Palliative Care. https://holisticpalliative.com/2025/07/30/navigating-the-emotional-stages-of-end-of-life/
Landry, T. (2024b, June 18). What is Hospice Palliative Care? – CHPCA. CHPCA. https://www.chpca.ca/education/what-is-hospice-palliative-care/
