The lifelong impact of late diagnosis

I’ve spent more than a decade bookmarking research on self-compassion. You know the kind … the studies you save in a (organized!) labelled folder called “read later” that somehow never gets opened.

And in that same decade, sitting with hundreds of adults diagnosed with ADHD later in life, I’ve noticed something striking: we are often the last people to embrace self-compassion.

Some of my clients even outright dismiss it.

“Be nicer to myself? That’s cute.”

I get it. I’ve thought it too.

When you live with ADHD, you become painfully aware of all the times you didn’t do the thing you were “supposed” to do. You already know the missed deadlines, the messy closets, the unreturned texts. So the idea of cutting yourself slack? It can feel pretty irrelevant.

Or worse, unearned.

But here’s the thing: the science says otherwise.  

Self-compassion might be the missing piece in your emotional well-being plan, that from a neuroscience perspective, comes before we tackle executive function and all things ADHD.

Is it the rigid or inflexible thinking of executive dysfunction?

Is it an emotional block? Sometimes, it’s simply habit. Self-criticism became a reflex somewhere along the way.

But we won’t know unless we try a few things first. It’s in unpacking why it was hard that we discover why usually our brains (and sometimes our hearts) aren’t willing to give ourselves a break.

What the Science Says About Self-Compassion and Performance

But don’t just take it from me. Beaton et al. (2022) suggests self-compassion is an important treatment target for adults with ADHD.

They found poorer mental health (as in higher rates of depression, anxiety, and stress) in adults with ADHD, versus without ADHD. That part’s not surprising.

But here’s what is interesting:

Mental toughness vs. self-compassion

Fernandez & Stern (2020) also found that self-compassion is crucial for mental toughness (the grit to get up and try again, and again). And if there’s one thing ADHDers know, it’s how many times life invites us to try again.

But here’s where it gets messy:

• Mental toughness = the willingness to getting back up after you’re knocked down,
• Self-compassion = how you treat yourself when you’re down.

You need both. Push without kindness, and you burn out. Be kind without direction, and you stall out.

The balance is where growth happens.

Why perfectionism and self-criticism aren’t helping

It’s important to know, mental toughness is a distinct skill from self-compassion, and one without the other doesn’t work so well. A perfectionistic and self-critical mindset (inside you) is different from striving to achieve things you love or are interested in (outside of you).

The reality is, as humans we grow, learn new things and learn from our mistakes when we have a healthy sense of both psychological safety, which includes healthy expectations to perform.

What makes it healthy (in case you are wondering) is knowing we have the interest, we have the ability and we have the capacity.

ADHD, Masking, and Self-Criticism

Research confirms my clinical (and lived) experiences, that adults with ADHD more often than not show fairly low levels of self-compassion, which of course contribute to increased distress and lower well-being over time.

Makes sense given the exhaustion of perpetual ADHD-masking, endless self-criticism, feeling out of step with our peers, feeling like we just can’t catch a break.

There is no way we can take our eye off the ball in trying to achieve something, is there?

Not sure how much you are masking? 
Check out this nifty ADHD masking questionnaire here. Then share it with your therapist.

What studies show about ADHD, emotions, and resilience

In studies with adults with ADHD, it turns out, it’s self-compassion (not perfectionism!) that is associated with improved task performance, persistence, and adaptive coping mechanisms in stressful situations. Booyah.

Notably, self-compassionate people were more likely to admit mistakes, change their behaviours, and take on new challenges, because they weren’t judged negatively for their ‘failures’. 

In particular, for adults with ADHD, it’s self-compassion that begins to unlock our ability to get better at self-regulating big emotions, let go of perfectionism, and feel more at peace with themselves and our neurotype (Beaton et al., 2020).  

In other words, being kind to yourself isn’t lowering the bar.

It’s what helps you keep showing up.

Practising Self-Compassion Through a Neurodivergent Lens

Sometimes the self-compassion comes not in the moment, but much, much later (time-blindness is real). A personal example I shared a few years ago, which I called a “gift” of ADHD was a 4-year-later reflection. But better late than never.

Self-compassionate adults are more likely to:

• Admit mistakes without spiralling,
• Course-correct behaviours that don’t serve them,
• Try new challenges, even when success isn’t guaranteed,
• Bounce back faster from setbacks.

Self-compassion as a tool for adaptive coping

Finally, there is nothing more I’d love to provide than a mini-tutorial on to hack self-compassion. Most self-compassion advice out there is written for neurotypical brains. There is no one magic bullet for coaching interventions aside from:

• make the change visible in your environment, and
• make it relational.

You can learn more about self-compassion techniques in a lot of places, but the most important thing is applying a neurodivergent lens to it.

Finding ADHD-informed therapy and support

Finding a therapist very experienced and trained in ADHD is easier these days, (but don’t forget to ask them about their training!).

A well-trained ADHD therapist will help you:

• Personalize strategies that work with your brain, not against it,
• Differentiate your personality and traits from activated ADHD symptoms,
• Break down “kindness” into small, concrete, repeatable actions that likely involve environmental and relational supports,
• Recognize your patterns of self-talk, and experiment with gentler scripts that feel authentic,
• Create micro-moments of self-compassion that you can actually stick with.

This isn’t about lowering expectations.

It’s about creating safety inside your own mind so growth is possible.

Other relevant resources

References

Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2020). Self-compassion and Perceived Criticism in Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Mindfulness, 11(11), 2506–2518. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01464-w

Fernandez, R., & Stern, S. (2020, November 9). Self-Compassion will make you a better leader. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/11/self-compassion-will-make-you-a-better-leader

George, L., Wallace, J. C., Snider, J. B., & Suh, H. (2023). Self-Compassion, Performance, and Burnout: Surfacing an unknown work construct. Group & Organization Management, 49(5), 1280–1324. https://doi.org/10.1177/10596011231161123

Landgraf, Allison, “Under Pressure: Self-Compassion as a Predictor of Task Performance and Persistence” (2013). UNF Graduate Theses and Dissertations. 453.

Neff K. D. (2009). The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself. Human development, 52(4), 211–214. https://doi.org/10.1159/000215071