By: Christina Crowe, RP, Cert OAMHP
Receiving a diagnosis of ADHD in later adulthood often comes with a powerful mix of emotions: relief, frustration, grief, and even curiosity.
For many, this diagnosis marks the beginning of a profound journey—a time to reassess, re-interpret, and reconcile the past with newfound understanding. In 2021, I began describing this phase, immediately post diagnosis, as ‘The Reckoning’ – and it lasts longer than you might think.
The Reckoning refers to a pivotal 2-3-year period following diagnosis (as an adult) of increasingly deepening self-awareness, making sense of our pasts, and truly, getting to know ourselves, perhaps for the first time. We begin to explore how ADHD has shaped our lives and reframe the narrative we’ve long held about ourselves.
Whether you do this solo, in therapy, with a coach, or with trusted friends, this conceptualization invites a compassionate and curious approach to understanding how both the diagnosis and the years preceding it have influenced your present-day sense of self. By reflecting on key moments in the past (sometimes traumatic), acknowledging present challenges (often mistaken for personality flaws or character failures), and setting intentions for the future, there is a unique opportunity for your own personalized healing, growth and self-discovery.
Looking Back: Lessons from the Past
Many of us can point to times when ADHD felt more manageable.
Perhaps external structures—like school schedules, work routines, an unforgiving competitive sports schedule or even a stay-at-home parent —helped buffer the chaos, or we faced fewer stressors in general. Reflecting on the moments from your past where you weren’t directly responsible for making whatever happened next in your day happen, can provide valuable insights.
It can lead to two big insights:
- How your presentation of ADHD was effectively masked by these external conditions,
- Elements of your own your natural strengths, resilience and resourcefulness.
Both are equally important to uncover. Some reflection prompts to help jog that perhaps spotty memory of yours are:
- When was the last time you felt less impacted by your ADHD? Maybe it was during a period when life felt more structured or calm. Start by identifying that timeframe and reflecting on what immediately comes to mind. What was the next significant moment or shift?
- What challenges did you overcome back then? Consider who or what helped you succeed. By thinking about these past achievements, you may begin to reframe how you perceive your current struggles. How does this change your perspective on the problems you’re facing now? In this reflection, it’s not just about the diagnosis itself but the ways you’ve grown and evolved over time. What lessons did you learn from those experiences? What strength did you gain?
- Finally, consider how your life might have been different if you’d known about ADHD earlier. How would things have changed?
The Present: Understanding Your ADHD
Now that you have this diagnosis, it’s natural to start examining how ADHD affects various parts of your life—your work, relationships, home life, and personal goals.
It’s never been just about school or work performance.
ADHD doesn’t define you, but it certainly has shaped some of your experiences. It can help to ask yourself: What’s the difference between my personality and my presentation of ADHD when I’m symptomatic?
It’s important to note, there is no one (or 16) ‘types’ of personality. The most agreed upon model is that of the Big 5 Personality traits – dimensions that represent qualities all people possess in varying amounts: The ‘Big 5 personality traits’ are extraversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism, and most of us will fall somewhere on the continuum of each, resulting in a fairly consistent temperament or experience of us, across a lifetime.
Things that naturally influence these include all components of nature (genetics) and nurture (adverse childhood events). And in general, as we age and mature, we mellow out; we tend to become less extraverted, less neurotic, less open to an experience, more agreeable and more conscientious.
What to know what your Big 5 combination is? Click HERE.
As you identify what’s YOU versus your ADHD, reflect on the personal values that have made these ADHD-related challenges difficult for you. These values might be deeply tied to your sense of responsibility, autonomy, or how you wish to show up in relationships.
By connecting with your values, you can start to build a clearer picture of the changes you’d like to make.
Looking Forward: Imagining a Different Future
The beauty of reflection is that it opens up possibilities. Now that you know more about your ADHD, what do you envision for the future? How would you prefer things to be moving forward?
Once you’ve identified your preferences, think about the next steps you can take:
- What can you do now to create the future you want? For example, perhaps you’d like to build stronger relationships.
- If so, what can you do to help others understand what you need? And how can you communicate that effectively?
It can also be helpful to imagine how your life might look at the end of this reckoning period. Get specific:
- What will be different?
- What new relationships will you have cultivated?
- What changes will you have made in your career or personal life?
What do you need to know to feel confident about your future possibilities? Perhaps it’s gaining more knowledge about how ADHD works or learning new coping strategies. Whatever it is, these insights will guide you toward meaningful action.
Final Thoughts
At its core, The Reckoning is a time of possibility.
It’s about asking thoughtful questions and opening up new pathways in your life. As David Epston eloquently put it, “Every time we ask a question, we’re generating a possible version of a life.”
As you move forward in this journey, approach yourself with compassion and curiosity. There’s so much potential for growth when we take the time to reflect and imagine a different future.
Free Downloads!
Click the image for a free fillable worksheet of The Reckoning reflection prompts. Be sure to take your time, and consider sharing it with your therapist, physician or trusted loved ones.
If you’d rather listen, here is the accompanying solo podcast episode:
TL;DR: “The Reckoning: Reflecting on a (late) ADHD Diagnosis as an Adult”
The article explores the profound self-discovery journey that follows receiving an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood (rather than childhood). The author, a therapist, describes this period as ‘The Reckoning,’ a 2-3 year phase marked by deepening self-awareness, reinterpreting past experiences, and gaining a clearer understanding of oneself. This process involves reassessing personal narratives and recognizing how ADHD has influenced one’s life, relationships, and self-perception.
More Resources!
Looking for 1:1 support?
If you are in Ontario, you can work directly with an ADHD-specialized psychotherapist on The Reckoning: Find a Therapist HERE.
If you are from outside Ontario, we can support you with ADHD or Executive Function coaching. Find your Coach HERE.
