“I wonder if the sad I’d be without you, would be less than the sad I get from being with you.”
It was the heartbreaking quote heard across the (t.v) world, and for too many, it was devastatingly relatable. It’s the age-old question within relationships of ‘should I stay or should I go?’
Relationship issues can arise when there is an imbalance in commitment, or differences in values, or maybe the person you’re in a relationship with is struggling with their own wellbeing and it’s taking a toll.
Living in a relationship with someone struggling with severe mental health issues can be challenging and confusing. Sometimes people can love each other and still question whether that is enough. So how do you decide whether to stay in this relationship, or whether it’s time to move on?
Understand your own motivations
Understanding your own relational values can help provide direction and a deeper understanding of whether the relationship, as it currently is, is satisfying those needs. While it is a gift to see and believe in a person’s potential, it can feel demoralizing for all involved when they aren’t able to live up to an idealized version of themselves. A question to ask yourself is whether you are truly accepting the person in front of you.
There might be some attachment patterns playing out in your relationship.
You can ask yourself:
- Do you find yourself bending your own (important) boundaries?
- Are you making excuses for their behaviour to maintain a sense of connection?
- Are you caught up in their potential rather than what they currently can contribute to the relationship?
Examining attachment styles and exploring your history of relationships can provide a better understanding of your own emotional and relational needs, as well as your patterns in seeking them out.
Perhaps there are some experiences from your upbringing that are influencing your decision making. Do you find your own sense of value in being a caretaker? Perhaps you felt compelled to take care of others growing up, and here you are faced with the same dilemma. Let me reassure you, love does not equate to constant self abandonment. Maybe you learned to take on responsibilities far greater than your age should have allowed. Maybe, it’s time to pass the torch back to someone better equipped at handling the situation. Understanding what may be motivating you and what you want out of the situation will help you to gain clarity in direction.
As therapists, we are here to hold space for our clients to come to the decision that feels right in their own time. It’s a safe space to explore options without the pressure to act immediately.
Acceptance
If you’ve made the decision to commit to this person or to stay the course, this will require acceptance of the situation at hand. Acknowledging this difficult time as just that, strenuous and crappy, can help relieve the expectation you may have that you should be carrying on as is.
This is a difficult time on the person you’re supporting as well as yourself, meaning there must be compromise in where you’re directing your energy. Acceptance means we can see the changes in mood and energy as a response to the situation, rather than directed at the struggling individual. Let go of the need to force the situation to “be better” and work within what it is, slowly moving forward.
Consent to treatment and the law of it all
When it comes to supporting a partner with an illness it’s important to remember that the support and care we agree upon within a partnership is different from the caretaking that may exist with a parent and a child. If you find yourself in more of a caretaking role rather than supportive, it may be a good time to reevaluate if the energy you’re pouring into the person is sustainable for you, and what level of responsibility you are accepting for their wellbeing.
The hard truth is that each and every person is solely responsible for their own wellbeing. This does not mean that any person should be subjected to going through life alone, or struggling independently, but at the end of the day change comes because the individual wants it and is putting in their own effort (when well enough to do so) alongside the support of others within their community. You can take on all the daily tasks, make all the phone calls and arrange all of the appointments with specialists, but you cannot make a person ready before they are. That person deserves to exercise their autonomy and must choose to show up. An important consideration is that support will look different for everybody, including people struggling with executive function. Have an open conversation about what support looks like to each of you to manage expectations and find a place of compromise.
It’s important that the people involved are consenting to their roles, and that treatment is not being forced onto a person. This of course can become tricky territory when a person is struggling with a mental illness that may prevent them from recognizing or accepting help. In this case, refer to the law, specifically the mental health act, which states a person has the right to refuse treatment, but if a physician deems the person could become a harm to themselves or others, they may be placed under an involuntary hold in a psychiatric facility for further assessment and treatment.
The Ontario Mental Health Act provides ways for a person to receive emergency psychiatric assessment without their consent. These forms do not negate human rights, but rather acknowledge the interference the illness may be having on the person’s decision making and ability to care for themselves; allowing for limited interference in hopes of protecting the person’s safety, limiting risk, and providing appropriate assessment for further decision making.
- A Form 1 is completed by a doctor who has examined the person in the last 7 days and believes a person is at risk to themselves or others and needs immediate psychiatric assessment. Even if the person is unwilling to go, a form 1 allows for a person to be detained for up to 72 hours before the assessment is complete.
- A Form 2 allows for a person to be brought to a hospital for assessment, but does not require the person to stay, as they may exercise their right to leave or refuse treatment. Anyone can apply for a Form 2 through a Justice of the Peace if they believe someone needs mental health care.
- If the person is not deemed ‘at/a risk’, they are released, and if there is suspicion of risk then a Form 3 may be completed which allows for the person to be admitted involuntarily for up to 14 days.
While these forms provide pathways towards care, they should be used with caution as the experience of being apprehended and detained by police and remaining within a psychiatric hospital can be frightening, contributing to feelings of betrayal and paranoia. If a person is in a state where they require a Form 1 or Form 2, they are at their most vulnerable, meaning the care provided should be centered around compassion and safety.
Unfortunately, this is not always the experience of the person suffering and may require follow up therapeutic intervention to process a person’s hospital stay. This is a difficult process for everyone involved and unfortunately, relationships may be fractured in the process of obtaining care. Utilizing the forms within the mental health act is a serious process that should not be taken lightly and should be done with great consideration.
Strengthening your own supports
Everyone needs a support system and it’s crucial that if you are currently taking on a caretaking or supportive role, that you have a well-established safety net for yourself. Find your people who feel safe to talk to, vent to, distract you and take your mind off of things. Your support system also includes you, meaning in order to take care of others you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Working with a therapist is a great way to identify which self care activities help you to feel restored and how to prioritize and implement them into your routine to avoid burnout.
Supporting a loved one through a mental health crisis can be exhausting, but learning to leave room for moments of joy and laughter is like the sun breaking through the clouds and shining upon your face.
It’s okay to walk away.
Know that it is okay to walk away. Sometimes in life it’s not about making a choice between what is easy and what is hard, but rather, you are choosing your hard. Staying is hard, and so is leaving – but you get to choose what is right for you. Take the time to consider your needs, your values, your own safety and wellbeing, and instead of focusing on making the “right” decision, focus on making the decision right.
TL;DR: “Loving Someone with a Mental Illness: A Guide for Partners”
The article explores the complexities of supporting a loved one who is struggling with severe mental health challenges. Acceptance and communication are key while recognizing individuals are responsible for their well-being. It also addresses the emotional toll of such relationships and the dilemma of staying or leaving, encouraging self-reflection on motivations, boundaries, and attachment patterns. The author emphasizes the necessity of personal support systems and self-care, reminding readers that walking away can be a valid choice if it aligns with their values and well-being.
Further Resources
If you are looking for more personalized support, you can work confidentially with your own therapist to navigate how the complexities in your relationship affect you and/or your family.
Related articles or podcast episodes:
- The Invisible Island: When you love a first responder with PTSD by Sandra Richardson, RP
- E62: Love & Trust: Fostering Psychological Safety at Home
- E58: Health care people truly need: life after the ADHD diagnosis with Dr. Mitra Motamedi
- A Practical Guide to Mental Health and the Law in Ontario
